Stage Fright

Tonight was the third annual music salon.  It's an opportunity for musicians of any level and any instrument to perform in front of a group of eager, friendly listeners in a casual, welcoming environment.  There is also a selfish need being fulfilled for me: performing in front of people (stage freight).

Music is a very large part of my life.  I play piano regularly, perform in a choir, compose in my spare time, and listen to a crap load of music.  For something that feels so natural to me, I don't understand why when I play the piano in front of a group (or even just one person), I freeze.  The moment that I sit down at the keyboard and notice everyone out there, I enter a different world.  It is not a fear of making errors--I can recover from an error quickly--it is a fear that I don't understand.  It is specific to the piano, too.  I have no problem in choir singing in front of 2,000+ people, but then again, there are so many other people up there with me.  And really, when I'm singing solo at an audition, I'm okay--I don't freeze.

When I perform in choir, I get such a deep, extraordinary satisfaction.  I am able to experience the music without freezing up.  I think it is one of the best feelings that I can get.  I get this same ethereal, extraordinary feeling when I play the piano, but ONLY if I am alone.  I can't even know if there is someone nearby listening.

When I experience this out-of-body experience with choir and piano (alone), I assume that I am translating it into the music that I am performing--that's what I hope anyway.  If I freeze up--like I do--then I am NOT making music; I'm merely playing the notes.  I wonder if it is a fear of exposing emotions in front of people.  I can hardly explain what I am thinking or feeling with words so I rely on music to do most of my communication.  But what good is it if I can't communicate it to people?

It happened again tonight at the music salon.  I froze.  But the show must go on so I played.  I felt unsatisfied after I played.

I hope that I can continue to work on this and practice performing in front of people.  I want to translate what I experience to everyone listening.  It feels good.